I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
