conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize