i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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