We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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