Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
