ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
