It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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