Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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