My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
