you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
