cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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