last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
