um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
