Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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