I just saw a hot homeless man
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
