peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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