So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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