two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
