He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
