Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
