I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
