I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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