I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
