I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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