Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
