Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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