i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
