Where is the hickey?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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