I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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