Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize