I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
