Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
