I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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