Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
