I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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