You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
