I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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