Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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