mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
