shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Enjoy the penises
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
