WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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