How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
