its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
