I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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