I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
