My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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