I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
