Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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