a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
