...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
