So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I AM VODKA MAN
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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