Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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