Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
