I will die if light touches me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
