I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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